I had trouble setting up a poll, and it was turning into posts only. The aim is to use the poll, with its limitations, and add your own post to further elaborate on your feelings about things.

PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT AND VOTE ON WHICH APPLIES TO YOU MORE THAN THE OTHER TWO CHOICES, AND YOUR POST WILL HELP DELINEATE FEELINGS NOT INCLUDED IN THE POLL.

THANKS FOR BEING SWEETHEARTS. NO MATTER WHAT, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Soho

D. ( ) We make our own reality and that includes holidays.

I always have traditional family holidays. This year though, I have started to feel really bad for all of my friends that don't really have any family to celebrate with. So tomorrow night I am throwing a pre-Thanksgiving dinner for all of them. I guess I should probably tell my boyfriend that company is a comin'.

Thanks for responding Dennit, I'm going to move this because it didn't come out as a true poll and it's hard for folks to answer. Please hold off until I get it right. Thanks.

E. ( ) My family is spreadout throughout the world which makes it difficult to celebrate.

Honesty, I personally HATE the holidays - *especially* Christmas time.

Everything from Christmas music, decorations, lights, TV advertisements, etc. make me want to vomit. It's very annoying. Ever since I was young, the holiday season has made me feel depressed.

Thanksgiving on the other hand, is a holiday that's always enjoyable for me. Yet, I never want to eat much. Turkey is very dry.

I have feelings about this right now, so thought I'd do something proactive by starting a poll, for sharing, commiserating, or adding your own comments in a post as we move along. The start date is now and the end date is December 15th. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP AND INPUT!

wow...

what a terribly sad way of seeing the world.

i am sorry that you cannot find the joy of friends and family, or at least the memories if you have neither to spend the time with. its not a holiday about you, its about others, as people. even if you have little in life there is someone with less. thanksgiving is simply a moment in time thats given to others to express some gratitude for what you DO have, not what you do not have.

like the saying goes....

the man that had no shoes complained until he met a man that had no feet.
be grateful. it does not hurt.

D. Every year, one less family member is alive or able to show making it very depressing.

and

E. My family makes me feel like a lump of coal...yes, that's the word.

I'm with PinkDiva...the holidays depress me.

I understand that the holidays are a special time to spend with others....but it's not material things I desire.

I'm just not a "holiday" type of person.

There are a couple of questions missing like many don't have family members due to distance or just not having a big family to celebrate with or maybe lots here are orphans.....Some may say....some people become most lonley at holidays......

That's such a special and thoughtful way to help people you know who are distanced by space or not connected to a type of family other than friends. YOU GO GIRL!

And some of us have lost or lost touch with people who belong at a table with us during Thanksgiving. I know, NB, keep pouring it out as you feel. We won't let you feel alone.

I used to love Christmas growing up, I was tied in to a church who had a full time organ player, who taught us how to sing and the hymns would fill my spirit. But I find that the last few years I also hate everything about Christmas. Too much disappointment, eh?

Turkey doesn't have to be dry. It's been overcooked to be dry. Should be moist. We'll get you up a recipe if needed.
Thanks Pink!

Isn't it hard to be grateful all the time? Especially when you hurt? Eluded, I would love to hear something that really comes from your heart that has genuine compassion, to the person you're talking to, about their particular hardship. That would really make an astounding and loving connection. You think?

Yes, more and more people are able to share that experience with others who really understand, and come from families like that. These are the loneliest and hard to bear times for lots and lots of people. That's why it's OK to reach out and connect with someone who hurts too. It's interesting that we all have the same feelings, we hurt when lonely, cry when treated badly, feel powerful when good energy fills us from someone else. A lot of anger is really very deep sadness.

I hope we can change one thing, we can reach to someone who will let us, knowing it's not out of pity but having the same need to feel alive and worth being cared about.

The holidays are my favorite time of year. I am very festive person and decorate for the different ones. My immediate family are all in Maryland, but with everyone's busy schedule... this is the time that we can all get together. Also, we I have a new nephew.. Long story short, my brother and SIL were on a waiting list to adopt a baby for 6 years. They finally got a baby 3 years ago. They received a call from the agency that the birth parents were in fact expecting again and wanted them to have the first choice to adopt this baby. They did and he is now 2 months old. I am always very busy this time of year because we go to the nursing homes and this is my first year I am actually in charge of the XMas celebration.

I'm so glad you joined in teebee. I know you recently got here, and we talked some, and I see in you not just a genuine person, but someone who will join in with jokes and a great sense of humor. You're a strong person, like others who come out and say how it is for them around this time of year.

The thing is that everyone has sad stories. It's about not getting stuck there. Growing up, I never had a Christmas or presents... not once. I had two toys as a little child and on my birthday my mom would take one of them and wrap it up thinking that babies are too stupid to know the difference. I was smart enough to know to pretend so as to make her happy. My clothes had holes in them and my 4th. grade teacher brought me a bag of clothes that her daughter had outgrown and I happily wore those for years.

My family made mistakes but they did the best they could. It doesn't matter!! What's important is to not pass on any negative patterns that were handed down from generation to generation. Happiness does not come from outside ourselves. It is not about what happens to us or what others do or think of us. We really have a lot more control than that.

I have one grandbaby and when I think of her suddenly there is sunshine everywhere and my heart is so full. What more could I need? btw, turkey is my favorite meat and I make it about once a month... just for myself and my dog.

Wendy - I love the double adoption story... love it! So they are true siblings. Thanks for sharing that.

My kids make the holidays special for me, and watching through their eyes. They are 18 now and will soon be off to college, and I am having a hard time with that..

I could pick all of the above SoHo...I've had wonderful holidays with my extended family, and those I wish I could forget. I like many here, have lost parents and loved ones along the way, and the holidays seem to be a time I miss them more...but I try to remember the good memories, and will hope to be around when grandbabies come...although since my kids are only 18, it will be a few yrs down the road. I am also grateful, that I will be at least having one more Christmas with my mom, whos health is not so good!

OK, what sparked this for me - I'm spending Thanksgiving with d, sil, gs in Myrtle Beach. Haven't been invited for several years because that's the way my kid is. She's 35, hasn't changed much with me since she was 15. I know she has deepseated problems from lots of cuts and hurtful things that happened too early, and she just kept them in, adding one after another. Dad and I divorced before she was two, he ignored her, treated her like an orphan when in family gatherings. Her older cousin who she adored, promised she would be at her wedding, but the invitation never came. My kid has a great job, a patient husband, the most wonderful son who's almost two, all the material things.

But she can cut me in half in five minutes with her words. And yesterday listening to her, I realized that's why we were always arguing. Her way of thinking is set in concrete, no matter how I explain my point of view, there is no compromise or real discussion to get to the bottom of what's going on, she takes it around and around and comes back again to the original complaint about me. She truly expects blind agreement (from her mother (me) and then puts together in her mind that I didn't blindly agree with her, so 'I'm trying to get out of coming for the holiday'. Then she alludes to not wanting me to come, so mommy wakes up today with despair that this will never change.

But mommy remembers that there are friends on this board who may have their own heartburn about family, and how neat it would be to share these stories, get validation or helpful input or just "gee that sucks" from each other. We've been through the political jag, maybe it's time for another type of jag for a little while.

Very true statement, Dennit,

We can only make ourselves happy - each person has the ability to create their own reality. If someone wants to be happy and believes in their own positive potential - then they'll have a more rewarding experience in life.

It's more important to value those you love most. The holiday season isn't about materialistic items, but sharing time with family and friends.

What a coincidence because I have one child who is 35 and is just the same as when she was 15. She used to have the same problems with me that I had with my mother. The solution is so simple that it is easily missed. Someone has to be the bigger person and give the other exactly what they want and it matters not one iota whether you believe it to be the truth or not because when you give her what she wants/needs, she will give you what you want/need.

She wants you to acknowledge the original complaint (with blind agreement) and if you can find it in yourself to do so, you will get everything and more than you've ever dreamed possible.



As you know, there are two sides to things. What you say above sounds like your way of thinking is also set in concrete or you guys wouldn't be arguing. Someone has to give it up and I always think it should be the parent. Although it doesn't have to be... whoever is the strongest. What you describe above was just like my mother and myself. She was such a child and I resented it and she resented that I didn't "mother" her. I finally gave in and "mothered" her and for the first time ever... she was able to mother me. Someone had to give in first.

Your daughter is stuck and you can help her by giving her what she wants. Even if she wants you to take the blame for something that you feel is not your fault. You will be giving her the greatest gift possible. She will become un-stuck and will finally be able to see things through your eyes.

Dennit, I'm sure there's truth to what you're saying, and I will think hard about how that would go with Sharon. And I'll be speaking with you more in depth about it along the way, if that's OK. There's something to it, I'm singed along the sides from last night's roasting. And I guess I'm angry at her for going there for her own reasons. It started with her asking how I was, I said I was stuffy, she got testy and declared "Well, don't come if you have a cold". I reminded her she visited two weeks ago and the baby had the sniffles, she said "oh that was allergies or something", when husband had stated clearly he had a cold and now the baby probably caught it. So, she then called me "selfish" and off it went.......

Sorry for venting this, I'm trying to not feel so bad and get things together to leave tomorrow a.m. I could strangle her. Where did that come from?

Now that I have virtually no family left I miss their ability to make Holidays enjoyably depressing....

I have had so many people die in my life that I sat down and made a list and just could not believe it. I've found a couple of tricks that make me feel better about it around the holidays and their birthdays... especially my mother. I think of what would make them proud and focus on doing those things and in that way, I am dedicating this holiday or this birthday to them and it really helps in many ways. One way that it really helps is that it makes "death" seem not so final. If I can think of something to do to make her proud then we are still "interacting" in a way.

Soho - I know exactly how you feel when you say you could strangle her because I have said the same thing many, many times. Sometimes, if I'm feeling vulnerable or down I won't even answer the phone when it's her and just let the machine get it. I have to remind her all the time that I have feelings One day when you are strong and the two of you are alone just hold out your arms and ask her to talk about her pain. If you're lucky, all she will need is acknowledgement that her pain exists. I really feel for you and for me too. It's got to be one of the hardest things to have a child who is 35 but really 15.

Friends, not family, are the key to a longer life, a new study suggests.

Journal reference: Journal of Epidemiological and Community Health (vol 59, p 538)


While previous research has found that strong social networks help older people live longer, the work had not distinguished between contact with friends or relatives.

The new study followed almost 1500 Australians, initially aged over 70. Those who at the start reported regular close personal or phone contact with five or more friends were 22% less likely to die in the next decade than those who had reported fewer, more-distant friends. But the presence or absence of close ties with children or other relatives had no impact on survival.

The reasons are not entirely clear. Friends and confidantes might help with coping in times of stress and difficulty, the team suggests. They might also encourage healthy behaviours, such as seeking help for new medical symptoms.

"And friends are perhaps less likely to be a source of negative stress, which, for some older people, their children can be," says Lynne Giles of Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia, who led the work.

It is possible that close connections with friends might have a positive physiological effect on the body, in contrast to the negative effect caused by stress, adds Carlos Mendes de Leon of the Rush University Medical Center, Chicago, US, in an editorial accompanying the paper.

Oh yes Bill, one's friends do become your family as one gets older....

not enjoyable

It all depends on who your friends are and how strong of a friendship you have with them.

That saying has the exact opposite effect with me. Most of my so called "friends" weren't really true friends at all - some were nice to me at first, then we'd have a disagreement and started not getting along - then they basically disappear without notice.

I never understood why because I consider myself to be a very nice, compassionate and easy to get along with type of person. That kind of treatment is awful - I didn't deserve half the things my past "friends" have done to me.

Now, I simply just avoid the whole "social" stuff to avoid being depressed because of anyone.